All That Matters is Now...

Been on a crying jag, three days. Drinking doesn’t work. Smoking doesn’t work. Drinking, downing leftover vicodin, and smoking doesn’t work. Food is not attractive. I’ve had it. Here’s a copy of the email I sent my parents today…

If things don't work out with the Plante & Moran job then I'll contact my real estate agent and see what the minimum is that I need to do to get the house on the market. I really wanted to hold out and finish it, and move back to La Crosse under my own steam, but I can't take this any more, feel completely useless, hopeless, and pretty much beaten. I'm sure that you're not only as frustrated as I am, but its also costing you $$. Would like to keep the cat.

Got a call from Plante & Moran while I was out (around 8pm)…they’re putting the position on hold for a couple weeks, vacations and some internal things need to be sorted out first. Apparently they don’t realize that they are my lifeline. Of course, if I tell them this, then they can hire me for shit…and work me like a jailhouse boy. But, compared to nothing, how bad is that? Yes, I will take it up the ass with sandpaper, if it means that I can leave this town with my head up, and will have finished what I set out to do.

I look at my history, and it seems that since the bad choice to get married, every choice I’ve made has gone to shit. I dreamt last night that I remarried my ex, and we spent our time quibbling about what happened to the items we split up during our first divorce (the china, crystal, etc.). I’ve been spending my days trying to figure out where I could’ve stopped this…what turning point I could have changed, had I noticed it. Same thing as quibbling with the ex, it doesn’t matter any more. All that matters is now. All that matters is now, and THAT is what I have to fix.