All That Matters is Now...
Been on a crying jag, three days. Drinking doesn’t work. Smoking doesn’t work. Drinking, downing leftover vicodin, and smoking doesn’t work. Food is not attractive. I’ve had it. Here’s a copy of the email I sent my parents today…
If things don't work out with the Plante & Moran job then I'll contact my real estate agent and see what the minimum is that I need to do to get the house on the market. I really wanted to hold out and finish it, and move back to La Crosse under my own steam, but I can't take this any more, feel completely useless, hopeless, and pretty much beaten. I'm sure that you're not only as frustrated as I am, but its also costing you $$. Would like to keep the cat.
Got a call from Plante & Moran while I was out (around 8pm)…they’re putting the position on hold for a couple weeks, vacations and some internal things need to be sorted out first. Apparently they don’t realize that they are my lifeline. Of course, if I tell them this, then they can hire me for shit…and work me like a jailhouse boy. But, compared to nothing, how bad is that? Yes, I will take it up the ass with sandpaper, if it means that I can leave this town with my head up, and will have finished what I set out to do.
I look at my history, and it seems that since the bad choice to get married, every choice I’ve made has gone to shit. I dreamt last night that I remarried my ex, and we spent our time quibbling about what happened to the items we split up during our first divorce (the china, crystal, etc.). I’ve been spending my days trying to figure out where I could’ve stopped this…what turning point I could have changed, had I noticed it. Same thing as quibbling with the ex, it doesn’t matter any more. All that matters is now. All that matters is now, and THAT is what I have to fix.
posted by Ginger @ 7/18/2006 01:41:00 AM
4 Comments:
Don't know about you, but I'm a lunatic and things generally go to the crapper during a full moon.
I'd just bet you are feeling a whole lot better by now.
I too have been around my parents, in the middle of a divorce and watched their exasperation over a prodigal son.
Had the strangest (if cliche) bit of encouragement from one of my correspondents. It ain't over till it's over.
Can't put all your eggs in one basket, the volatility of a possible job offer.
Try to hang in there, even if you have to go on relief.
This is still a world that is partial to women going through separation. I'm sure there is help out there.
I have been where you are. My Sopwith Camel had crashed and burned. Now it is patched up.
Okay, okay, it's still a patched-up airplane, but it's an airplane.
This will pass.
Ivan
Oh, I'm so sorry you feel like shit. The only encouragement I can offer is that I've been there, and it does indeed feel like shit, but it eventually does get better, as long as you keep working on trying to make it get better. Smoking and drinking are a poor panacea. Sadly, there is no antidote but time. Hang in there and stay strong - is anyone else out there hiring?
Allison
Hell is eternal department.
We're all going through a touch of it.
Part of it is from being alone.
But then you get into such a funk that you don't want to leave your house.
Good thing friends are coming over this weekend, Ginger.
Might make all the difference.
Oh holy crap! A Nixonite in our midst! What ever shall we do?? Just joking Pammy.
Funny, in the med field that I grew up in and worked in for so long the credo was, "Suck it up and move on." So that's what I'm trying to do. I just hate it that sucking it up and moving on means leaving every friend that I've made in my adult life behind.
In the long term, well, hopefully I'll develop a life, and at least everyone will know they have a spot in LaCrosse to stay...
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